The weightwatchers uprising
by Pink-Ink-92
Summary: This is a story about the more realistic consequences of living in a chocolate factory, lots of very random humour is involved and a very amusing incident involving the phrase WOW...RnR, no flames please, this is my first fanfiction! Read on my friends...
1. Fat Mr Wonka

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of any of the characters in the basic plotline of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Gillian McKeith.

A/N: This is my first fan fiction, so please be kind and considerate with your reviews, whilst also being honest for the good of my masterpiece and do not give me a bad first impression of my fellow aspiring writers. Also, this is meant to be more comedy than hard-hitting so please treat it as such in any reviews you may wish to give.

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Willy Wonka was having a nightmare, he always, right from his first candy, knew he loved chocolate, but never had expected this; he was piling on the pounds, he knew what he had to do, exercise and eat healthily, but that becomes extraordinarily difficult when you live in a chocolate factory! Oh, no, flashbacks of that whale Augustus Gloop flooded into his mind. He woke up, startled, sat bolt upright and whispered, "Ewwwwwww!"

The next morning, when offered his favourite cereal, or rather chunks of chocolate, "Wonka's-Super-Triple-Choco-Ultra-Toffee-Mega-Bits of Chocolate (Now with even more chocolate!)" He declined, it was then that Mrs Bucket knew something was up "What's up, Will, I thought you loved your cereal?" Asked Mrs Bucket, in her voice that was used to address Charlie when she thought the Oompa-Loompas were bullying him.

"Well, I did, but, ohhhhhh, I can't lie to you, I'm a whale!" Willy began to sob hysterically in to Mrs Bucket's cardigan. He then seemed to remember himself, and straightened himself up and said under his breath "Ew."

"Oh, tosh, Willy, you look lovely the way you are..."She began, she knew this speech off by heart, it was the exact one used to comfort her friend Fat Magda, come to think of it, I should probably stop calling her that, she thought to herself. "...And any ma-woman, would be lucky to call you their own."

"Really?" Asked Willy unknowingly giving her the same look that Magda always gave Mrs Bucket, watery eyes and trembling bottom lip and all.

"Of course, you are a beautiful, confident, intelligent w-man, man, I meant man." She quickly corrected herself.

"You know, you're right. I am, and I'm going on a diet."

"Good for you, Willy." Mrs bucket put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "And you remember each time you refuse chocolate, just how truly fabulous you are!"

"Yeah, you go Willy, good for you!" The group of OAP's murmured, shortly after which, they all slumped back down onto their pillows and fell back into the unconscious semi-coma that most pensioners refer to as a "nap".

"You know, Willy," Said Charlie "If this is what your own chocolate's doing to you, maybe you should consider what it's doing to the million people that eat your candy every day." An image of Augustus Gloop, in all his gloopiness crossed the minds of the group, and there was a collective shudder all around the room, excepting, of course, Grandma Georgina who thought they were talking about grapes.

"Oh no, I never meant to hurt anyone, I've got to do something, I don't care what it is but I've got to help them."

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A/N: Like it? THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IN A REVIEW!!! Ahem, er, please?


	2. A phone call

One day without chocolate and the strain was really starting to show on Willy, who, each time he turned a corner was confronted by yet another delicious delicacy. He walked alone to the invention room, where a very large, purple and competitive girl had rolled to the juicing room and squeezed until she popped like a pimple. Willy picked up his latest invention, the edible mobile phone, and dialled the number to the "Wilbur Wonka Dental Surgery"

"Hello?" Said Willy.

"Well, if it isn't my little boy, the world famous chocolatier! How are you, son?"

"Dad, last time you saw me ,was I looking a little erm, porky to you?" Enquired Willy, waiting for his Dad to lower the boom. Yet this question was followed by a long and uncomfortable pause.

"You-That is to say, I...you have never been porky, my son, you were cuddly, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that!" He had seemed to decide on what his answer was going to be, and clearly was going to stick to his convictions.

"Dad, I'm worried that I've made my chocolate too yummy."

"...Eh?"

"People are getting chubbier by the day because my candy is too irresistible not to eat every day. I mean anyone who eats my candy every day is gonna be...well, gloopy." Wilbur Wonka took the chocolate bar he was in the middle of devouring and put it in the bin next to the desk he was sitting at. "I have to do something, I don't want to be this porky, and I don't want anyone else to be a porker either, so, what do I do?"

Wilbur gave the bin a mournful look. "Well, son...erm why don't you try getting a good idea of what your ideal selling audience would want in the way of healthy food." At this point Wilbur reached into the bin and took out the chocolate bar, Wonka Whipple Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, he took a large bite.

"You mean ask a kid? Well, Charlie already told me it was a good idea to go on a diet, I vow to have only one cube of candy a day from now on!" Wilbur gasped at the word diet and got a large chunk of tastiness lodged in his airway, he wheezed and choked, finally his assistant Dolores came in and performed the Heimlich Manoeuvre, Whipple Scrumptious Fudgemallow spit sprayed all over his paperwork, _Oh well _he thought to himself _like those toothless, non-flossing, rotting toothed fools would mind, they'd just get pizza stains all over it anyway. _

On Willys' end of the phone the line went dead.

"Hello...?Hello...?Dad...? Darn! He hung up!" Willy put down the phone and called in an Oompa Loompa. "Listen, I'm gonna need some more help so, bring back...**_those children _**and their **_parents_**. And man, please tell your friends to stop picking on Charlie..."

The oompa loompa made a series of hand gestures, and pulled a few funny faces.

"Yeah, I know he has a weird hair cut..."Willy said, coiffing his pageboy meets bob bouffant . "But it's not his fault...if it bothers you that much just...I don't know, chop it off while he sleeps or something."

The oompa loompa gave a maniacal smile and went off to add "Chop off hair while he sleeps" to the 101 Ways To Bully A Poor And Defenceless Child, a book they were compiling together, it was a group effort and they would split the profits in cocoa beans. Sure it's cruel, but like they say in Loompa Land: "It's a snozzwanger eat snozzwanger world."

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A/N: I apologise for how short the chapters are, but I feel that they finish in a quite rounded fashion, and if you're getting bored, fear not because there is more to come!!! Mwah-ha-ha-hah!


	3. Revisiting the Chocolate Factory

A/N: This chapter will be longer...um, I hope, hehe, and seriously people if you don't think it's funny tell me why not and how it could be funnier, PLZ REVIEW!

The Golden Ticket Winners' fame was short-lived and lasted only a few days after they left the factory, but, six months after their 5 minutes of fame, it was, sadly, a distant memory for all four, after they were replaced on the front page by a boy who somehow managed to eat his left foot.

Instead, they learned to suffice with the simple life, well, if that's what you can call the lives of four permanently damaged children. Although, Augustus was the unofficial mascot of Dusseldorf now, he had learned to keep his head down.

But although they wished to go back and fully explore the factory, they reflected on their behaviour and were almost certain that it did not merit them another invitation.

And unsurprisingly, Violet Beauregarde and Veruca Salt were most certainly NOT firm friends, they were however "Best pallies!" if anyone from the press asked, although that was doubtful.

So, imagine their surprise when they received a letter from Willy Wonka himself! Here is exactly what it said:

Dear Golden Ticket Winner,

I hope you are well (kinda) But more importantly, I need your assistance with a matter of absolute secrecy and of absolute importance to the whole Willy Wonka Chocolate Empire, and I would (kinda) be grateful if you would arrive at my factory gates at 11 am sharp on 19th April.

Yours sorta hopefully,

Willy Wonka

Although Mr Wonka was quite blunt with the fact that he thought they were "icky" children, the four Golden Ticket winners jumped at the opportunity to re-visit that awesome high-calorie factory bursting with fantastic-ness.

In fact, the children and their parents were marking off the days on their calendars, with a large, red, over-the-top "X" over April 19th.

So, on April 19th, there they were, standing outside the wrought iron gates of Willy Wonka's magnificent chocolate factory, a slightly slimmer Augustus Gloop from Dusseldorf with his mutti, a considerably more humble and quiet Veruca Salt from Buckinghamshire, England, avec her father, who had far more of a spring in his step.

A very violet Violet Beauregarde from Atlanta, Georgia, with her Mom. And tall, waif-like looking Mike Teavee from Denver, Colorado, with his dad, unfortunately Mike still hadn't recovered from his turn in the taffy puller.

The clock struck 11 and a speaker enhanced voice commanded. "Please enter." And the gates obeyed. "Come forward." The Golden ticket Troop stepped forwards, albeit considerably more apprehensively than the previous time they had entered the large courtyard. This was an all too familiar scenario for one very thin ticket winner.

"Nooooo! It's all happening again!" Screamed Mike Teavee.

"Come on, Mike, remember the steps." His father said calmly.

"I know the goddamn steps, Dad!" Mike retorted. "I'm not going back there! I'm not going back in the taffy puller again!" he screamed and launched himself across the courtyard, flying through the gates and running down the street screaming "I'm not going back there!"

With his dad following in his wake, shouting (very calmly mind you) "Come on, son, remember the steps!" To no effect.

"Ahem," The speaker phone cleared it's throat. There were various shufflings of feet and clearings of throats, and a rather awkward silence. "Heeeee'll be back, ahem, I hope, hey, Mike, Mikey, Miko! Er, jus-just give him a sec, he'll be back, they always come crawling back. H-Hey, Miko?"

There was, of course no reply from Mike, who was already halfway to Mexico by now, with his dad hopelessly trailing behind, going through inhalers like there was no tomorrow.

There was another collective silence assuming that Mike's lack of answer was a sure sign that he was not coming back. There was a further silence which confirmed that Mike had most likely reached Mexico by now.

"Riiiiigghhht, well, on with the tour! Close the gates." Shouted the speakerphone, muttering under his breath, "One down, three to go!" Shortly after a female, authoritative voice said:

"Willy, that's a horrible thing to say!"

"Sorry, Mrs Bucket." Said a semi-genuinely remorseful voice. The remaining members of the Golden Ticket Troop looked at each other quizzically. "Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you once again to my humble factory, and who am I? Well..."

The enormous double doors leading into the factory opened to reveal some dark red velvet curtains with Willy Wonka written in large gold lettering across them.

The curtains parted to reveal one very surly looking oompa - loompa, the Welcome Song began, Mrs Gloop, who had enjoyed the show last time, was so excited her ginger beehive was almost falling off her head.

To the beat of the song the oompa loompa began a quite obviously thoroughly rehearsed routine of line dancing, steadily looking more and more irritable as the _Willy Wonka Welcome Song _progressed.

Then, as the song seemed to be coming to a close the oompa loompa turned with his back to the audience bent over and pulled down his trousers to reveal two tanned, shiny buttocks. With two W's on each cheek to reveal the phrase WOW.

There was a collective shudder of disgust among the group, the song ended and the oompa loompa pulled up his trousers, took a bow, gave them all one final haughty look and left the stage.

Willy Wonka, perched himself on the end of the line and applauded like a madman, giggling "Wasn't that just magnificent, I thought it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part , but then that finale, WOW!"

Mrs Gloop was still shell-shocked from the bare buttocks scenario and there was a very loud, muffled thud as she hit the ground.


	4. A very Gloopy exit

A/N: Did you like the last chapter? Review it! And guys, remember, it's only a bit of fun! And this chapter's gonna get a lot funner!

As Mrs Gloops pink eye-shadowed eyes opened the entire fuzzy room came into view. Despite the fact that her beehive had fallen over her face, she looked perfectly fine.

Mr Salt was leaning over her waving his hand in her face.

"Oh! Guten Taag!" Mrs Gloop said. "Augustus, ugh, look at that man!" She said, pointing at Willy Wonka, "Promise me that you'll never get that fat!"

Willy lunged for her, but Mr Salt held him back, shouting, "Calm down, Mr Wonka, she doesn't know what she's saying!"Mr Wonka pulled himself back, brushed himself down, said:

"Ew,"under his breath then straightened up, took a meaningful look at Mrs Gloop and said,"Hmph! Thank goodness, she's completely unharmed." Willy said. With only a hint of genuine-ness. Mrs Gloop sat up and looked around, she then got to her feet. She looked around, the group crowded her, everyone asking how she was.

"Stay back, give her some air!" Mr Salt ordered. The group gave him a look that plainly questioned his orders. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing, I'm a peanut merchant."

"Well, that puts us in our place!" Said Willy Wonka, taking a step back, surprisingly the group followed suit.

"Now, Mrs Gloop, this is very important...how many fingers am I holding up?" He held up two fingers in front of her face.

"Two!" Mrs Gloop exclaimed.

"Well done, it's okay everyone, she's fine!" Mr Salt announced.

"Ooo! That was fun, let's play again!" Mrs Gloop said to Mr Salt.

"Well, she's definately back to normal." he announced again. Mrs Gloop straightened up her beehive.

"Mr Wonka?" These were the first words uttered by Veruca Salt. "Why did the oompa loompa have two W's on its bum?"

"Oh, it's a property marking thing."He waved his hand so as to dismiss it." I brand them so that no farmers can steal them if they stray off my land."

"You do know that they aren't sheep, don't you?"Asked Violet.

"Your point is...?" Asked Willy. This is where Mr Salt cut in.

"Mr Wonka, walk in a straight line please." Willy did so. "Okay..." Mr Salt said marking a tick down in his book, "Now, how many fingers am I holding up?" He enquired, holing up three fingers.

"Four! Two! Five! One! DARN!" Willy shouted, stomping his foot, "Look, it's not my fault, my family wasn't rich like you. I didn't go to school." He said, staring at his feet.

"I thought you said you ran away from home." Violet said.

"He didn't have to know that!" Willy retorted. He then recieved a "disappointed" look from Mr Salt and bowed his head in shame.

"Well, he wasn't lying about branding the oompa loompas then." Said Mr Salt,"He's not drunk or on drugs, but he might, very possibly be insane."

"Of course he's insane!" Said Ms Beauregarde, "He lives in a chocolate factory and hasn't been outside in years, in fact, he's probably high on those endorphinny things he told us about!"

"Actually, I don't brand them, it's inhumane, I just get an oompa loompa to stamp itself and then the others, I have the stamp if you want to see it!"

There was a collective "Erlack! Ew! Euch!" from the group.

"I'll take that as a no then." Said Willy."But now, for some business of actual importance. Why I called you all here, I know that one of you has noticed..." Willy shot an icy glare in Mrs Gloops direction, "...that I've gained a bit of weight since we last saw each other. And quite frankly I worried about all the children out there that were getting "icky-pudge"." For some unknown reason, everyone then shot a qick glance at Augustus' blubber, rippling thanks to the fact that he was standoing next to a heater.

Augustus however, was blissfully unaware of his rippling pudge. "Your point is...?" Augustus asked.

"My point is that I'm worrying waht my chocolatey goodness is doing to them!"

"So, what do you want us to do about it?" Violet Beauregarde asked.

"Well, you guys are gonna be my gerbils!" Mr Wonka said excitedly.

"You mean guinea pigs, right?" Ma Beauregarde contributed.

"Yeah, that, well, I'm gonna make new candy that's good for them, and you guys get to try it!" The children gave disgusted looks, and poor Augustus looked like his world was falling apart in front of him.

"Nooo! You can't do this to me!!!!" Augustus shouted, "You're ruining everything I ever dreamed of!" He shouted again to a shell shocked Willy.

But he finally managed to squeeze one syllable out of his closed up throat.

"Heh?"

"Ze chocolate, it is supposed to be fattening, zat is vat make it chocolate, ja?" Said Augustus looking desperately for a comrade among his group.

"JA!" Screamed his mutti so loudly that an oompa loompa flew backwards into an ice cream vat. It then immediately began climbing out, it was lactose intolerant!

"I cannot, in good concience let zis go on, do not do it Mr Vonka!" Yelled Augustus at Mr Wonka.

"Wanna explain that?" Asked Willy.

"You vill ruin everything zat Wonka's chocolate stands for! Ze chocolatey goodness, ze melt in ze _mund _flavour! It vill all be ruined vith your little Healthy Eating venture!" He shouted , as Willy looked at him with a determined-toddler-in-a-disney-store look, the phrase "I want that heffalump!" came to mind. "Fine, be a stück des dämpfenden exkrements" (German for "steaming piece of excrement") "Who is vith me?!" He screamed at the golden ticket troop as his last ditch attempt at achieving comeradeship.

"ME!" Shouted Mrs Gloop, sending the oompa loompa flying back into the ice cream vat as a nasty rash appeared on his face and sank in the freezing cold,with nothing but his red raw hand stickicking out of the ice cream groping for anything to assist his escape. Needless to say, he was retrieved later that day having floated to the surface covered in chocolate chips, he was told that he would never get rid of the smell of toffee and honeycombe.

The Gloops stormed out, Mrs Gloop's beehive, once again almost toppling off her head in excitement.

"Oooookay." Said Willy as he heard the door slam behind them, murmuring under his breath " Only two more to go." Then going on to say loudly "Let's boogie!"

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A/N: Sorry if it wasn't that hilarious, but I did have to get a major twist in the plot line out of the way, but wait, it gets better, please review!


	5. Charlie, meet Funny Farm

A/N: More of the oompa loompas, some good inventions and some really random stuff! READ ON !!!

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"Excuse me, Mrs Bucket, erm, can Charlie come out and play?" Willy asked Mrs Bucket, standing at the door of the leaning shack.

"I'm sorry Willy, but he's sleeping right now, " Two nearby oompa loompas gave each other quite plainly evil smiles, and for one second everyone thought their eyes glowed red, then Willy gave Mrs Bucket a prompting look, "So...that's a no." She added, Willy looked disappointed and shuffled his feet. "Maybe tomorrow,though eh?" She said.

"Okay." Said Willy, Mrs Bucket closed the door. The golden ticket troop stepped back and started calling for Charlie. In his bedroom Charlie woke up and scratched his head, it was then that he realised something was very wrong, he dashed down the stairs screaming, "Mum! Dad! Old people! Look what those midget freaks did to my hair!"

There was a collective gasp from around the room, "Goodness!" Said Grandma Josephine.

"Now, now Charlie, how do you even know it was them?" Asked Mr and Mrs Bucket simultaneously.

"Because they left a note!" Charlie unballed his fist to reveal a crumpled piece of paper with some words scrawled on it, which read.

Dear Charlie,

HAR DE HAR HAR!!! Hope you like your hair cut, WE DO! MWAH HA!!

Yours sincerely,

The oompa loompas

PS, If you call us midgets one more time, we will seriously kick your tushie!!!

"Well, I can't make head or tail of that chickenscratch, does it say something about goats?" Asked Grandpa Joe.

"NO! It's a confession, argh, I'm going to get them and-I-I-I will ring their little...they will wish they had never...I'M GOING TO KILL THEM!!!" Charlie screamed as he ran out of the door, crashing headfirst into Willy.

"Woops!" Said Willy, brushing himself down and muttering "Ew!"

"I'm going to kill those psycotic mini Deep Roys!" Shouted Charlie, lunging for the closest oompa loompa, but being held back by Mr Salt who said:

"Dear goodness, what's happened to your hair?!" Which of course only made Charlie's temper worse. Luckily, the oompa loompas all had the foresight to run away before Charlie broke loose and began running around the chocolate room like a madman, saying:

"I know you're here...I can smell you...a cross between chocolate and sweat..." He sniffed at the air, his left eye twitching, like rabbits eyes in the headlights of a car. Behind a door, an oompa loompa was watching through the keyhole making a note in a small pad, it said, "Overall effect: Could potentially break child's puny little brain, mwah ha!"

"We'll come back later." Said Willy, quietly ushering the Golden Ticket Troop away from the door as the Bucket's looked on at the boy's sanity unravelling in front of them. In fact, I could pinpoint the exact second where his brain turned to goo, when he stuck a chocolate-filled pumpkin on his head and shouted "I'm going to the Wizard to get me a brain...Follow the yellow brick road!" And began singing the song _Follow the Yellow Brick Road _featured in _The Wizard of Oz_. He was then taken to a land where the walls are padded and soft and everyone wears white coats.

In other words: Charlie, meet Funny Farm, Funny Farm, meet Charlie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A/N: Sorry guys, but I'm trying to keep the chapters short so that you don't get bored. PLEASE REVIEW!


	6. Gloopy protesting

A/N: This chapter will be longer and a lot more will be happening, this is sort of the part where things actually happen! RnR!

The Golden Ticket Assembly filed into the Inventing Room, "Right, here we all are in the invention room, hey Violet, that space, right over there is where chewing ruined your life and your own mother nearly rejected you!" He pointed at the space next to the bubblegum meal machine. Willy laughed, giggling to himself, "Good times...good times!"

Violet's eyes filled with tears and she ran out of the room with her mum following in her wake, there was a noise coming from outside, like chanting. Willy took a look at the security cameras outside.

"What does that have to do with candy?" Veruca asked, pointing at the monitor.

"Well, if you lick the screen it actually tastes..." Veruca was already licking the monitor, she drew back in disgust.

"Mr Wonka, that tastes terrible!" Veruca exclaimed

"Well if you'd have let me finish..."Tastes like oompa loompa placenta."" He finished with a flourish.

"Euch!" Squealed Veruca, pulling a face that vaguely resembled a cow, when giving birth to a particuarly large calf. "Why on earth did you make it taste like that?!" Veruca asked him.

"Well, if you recall, I was, a while ago, searching for exotic new flavours for candy, and I found many things like snozzwanger blood, caterpillars, the bark of the bong bong tree and oompa loompa...er...juice."

"Why on earth would anyone buy candy that tasted like that?!" Mr Salt cut in.

"Well, I was gonna do a charity range, you know like..50 of all profits go to buying cocoa beans for oompa loompas around the world!" Willy said smiling, "I was gonna make flavours like..."Bong bong bark bubblegum" and "Caterpillar Crunch" and "Freedom Feculence"! Yeah! But...it didn't work out." His face fell. "I tried it under the name of "_Healthy Eating Yoghurt"_ once but...it didn't work out. I think it's still made though." Wonka finished.

"Why not?" Asked Veruca.

"Well, in the end the oompa loompas were spending so much time...producing...that they didn't have time to do all the other stuff that I needed them for." Both Mr and Ms Salt looked utterly repulsed, Willy however, looked downtrodden as if his dreams had fallen apart. "It was the only idea I ever had that didn't turn out so well...But trust me, it will never happen again!" Willy said, sheer determination written in fury across his face.

Mr Salt took a step back from Mr Wonka, taking his daughter back a step with him.

"Anyway." Said Wonka, "Where were we? Oh yeah, the monitor. " He took a glance at the monitor and drew back a gasp of breath. "Oh Lordy! Fat people with picket signs and...sticks and stuff!" He turned to the others, " Whitney, we have a problem."

"I think you mean Housten." Said Ms Beauregarde, who had just walked in with her daughter.

"Right, that! Ew!" He said pointing at the screen. "W-What are they doing?!" He squeaked at the others as they moved in to get a better look.

"Ew!" Everyone exclaimed as they looked upon the screen with utmost disgust.

Willy and the group gathered themselves for a moment and stood with their backs to the screen. A chocolate coated brick was flung through a blacked out window, then came the voice of Augustus Gloop, "Mutti, ve are saving those for ze public rally!". What was left of The Golden Ticket Troop looked out the window, to view Augustus sucking on a chocolate coated explosive.

"Whitney," Willy addressed the group, "We have fat, naked protestors!"

A/N: Like it? Well there's more of that in the next chapter! Please review!


	7. My ETMOLR Sqaud

A/N: This chapter is basically a continuation of last chapter, but it will still be quite funny. Did you like the gross out humour last chapter, well read on, there may be more...

" I will never look at that Gloop boy in the same way again." Said Mr Salt, adjusting the buttons of his suit so that they formed a straight line. Veruca however, was still staring at the monitor, her head on one side.

"Daddy, what's that?" Veruca asked her father, pointing at the screen. Her father who was far too busy adjusting his suit responded with:

"I have absolutely no idea, darling." He then directed his attention to his daughter pointing at the monitor.

"Darling, get away from that!" He yelled, carefully positioning himself infront of the screen so as to block it from his daughters view. Ma Beauregarde, positioned her gaze on the chocolate coated brick a few metres from her feet.

"Anyone gonna eat that?" She asked.

The chanting and protesting began to get steadily louder as the fatties got more and more hungry.

"You know what?" Asked Willy, "Those guys are really starting to bum me out!" He then turned off the monitor, and took a klaxon out of his drawer and honked it as loud as possible, then, simultaneously, a series of klaxons began going off around the factory. There was a deafening sound of movement, shuffling, things dropping. You could barely hear anything above the racket.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Screamed Ma Beauregarde, almost immediately after which, the noise stopped.

"My E.T.M.O.L.R Squad are finally gonna come to good use!" Willy said, almost wetting himself with anticipation over the silence.

"What are E.T.M.O.L.R Squads?" Violet asked.

"My Easy-to-make-oompa loompa riot squad!" Willy announced proudly. He then added, "Now at Argos for only £29.99 plus post and packing!" Of course, with a smile.

At that exact moment the deafening din resumed as the wrought iron doors of the chocolate factory burst open and about 200 oompa loompas burst out onto the courtyard some on foot, some on shetland ponies, the oompa loompas were clad in helmets, blue suits and riot shields. About 20 of them rugby tackled a startled protestor who was halfway through a meatball sub.

Then, a further 12 jumped on Augustus' back, flailing as he tried to shake them off, there was one oompa loompa who was stuck in a roll of what his mother would call "puppy-fat" and others would call the benefits of morbid obesity. Luckily the oompa loompa was able to climb out, leaving behind a small explosive. The riot squad backed away from the Gloop boy, as there was a frantic beeping as the bomb was supposed to detonate, and then...

...PARP! The after math of a KFC last night came back to haunt Augustus as Southern Fried methane spread its way over the courtyard. This only seemed to anger the chunky chocolate chubsters as they began throwing their weight around, crushing about 10 oompa loompa's in total. Luckily, one senior officer oompa loompa had the foresight to gas the fatties, before they got too violent.

But little did the oompa loompa riot squad know that some fatties were as we speak trying, and failing to squeeze themselves through a tunnel that had been dug earlier that day.

Mrs Gloop was waiting on the outside of the chocolate factory, where the tunnel began, greasing up the sides with olive oil and butter.

There were still oompa loompas inside as they did their everyday jobs, so naturally they were very surprised when they found baby elephants crawling through a hole into the oompa loompa sleeping quarters.

How would one describe the oompa loompa room, well, they made the whole town in a mini version so they could plot their reign of terror over it, well of course, when the darn council gave them permission for nuclear weapons!

They went crazy to defend their territory, biting at the ankles of the Order of the Obese, some of them falling down, others climbing to the highest buildings. When there was only one left, that was at the top of the tallest building, they brought out the big guns.

They flew in their mini helicopters, the monster swatting at them, it was then that they started with the missiles. BOOM! BOOM! Finally, after about 5 of these, they thought of tranquilizer, he fell off the building, but not without cost, he tore off the top of the building and crushed Bob and BiIl.

Two oompa loompa's made gestures.

_Gee, Doris and Flo will be heartbroken. _

_Yeah...What are we gonna do about compensation? _

_Coupons and a hug?_

_Better than what we gave Franny. _

A/N: Like it? Review, more evil shennanagins from the oompa loompas next!


	8. Oompa Loompa Punishment

A/N: RnR!!!

The oompa loompas liked this part of their job best, they had tied the chubbies' wrists together in case they tried going anywhere, they were all in a line, one after the other. And the oompa loompas had the upper hand...they had pointy sticks!

They filed them into the Inventing Room, where the Golden Ticket Troop, and of course, their...**_leader_** ,

_Ew_, thought Mr Wonka as about 74 people in serious danger of heart disease filed in, and of course, one with heart disease. The leader of the oompa loompa group stood in front of Mr Wonka, he made a series of gestures, strange noises, and contorted faces.

_What should we do with them all? _The oompa loompa asked.

_I dont care_, Mr Wonka replied, _just...I dunno...You know what, that's your job, just...**deal** with it, ok?_

The oompa loompa leader turned to his troops. _You heard the man, deal with them! Mwah ha ha ha haaaaaaaa! _

This was the moment the oompa loompas had been waiting for, and believe me...they had plans for those chubsters.

Ten of them were in the taffy puller, 25 were enjoying the scenery...at the bottom of the chocolate lake! Their hands and feet tied together of course, they hadn't been put in yet, but they were slowly lowering the protestors to the bottom. The chief oompa loompa made them stop, he was having a flashback of Willy Wonka saying:

_My chocolate must be untouched by human hands! _

_And of course, Mr Wonka is the boss, he said to his colleagues_. They gave each other cruel looks.

5 mins later, there they were, dangling into a chocolate river, with only their hands out of the water.

"Please, please!" Shouted one, "I really need the loo!" He shouted at the oompa loompas. The oompa loompas smiled at each other, with a look that said quite plainly: _And it will serve them right, har diddy har har har_!

Twenty others were being slowly lowered into a pit of rabid snapping turtles. Let me tell you, that crane and winch were under a lot of pressure, then SNAP!, the crane and winch broke in half, it wasn't under any pressure anymore, but trust me, the snapping turtles were feeling it. And it would be at least another twenty minutes until the fatties find their inhalers and can actually sit up.

Just please, don't ask me where they were storing the inhalers, them being naked and all.

And the other 13 were put into the Ca-raaaaaaazy Room, where Mr Wonka, put the crazy, senile and dangerous oompa loompas into one room. As the 15 doctors office models for heart disease were pushed in, by means of the oompa loompas using pointy sticks, the reject oompa loompas pounced, beating them with raw fish (their lunch), biting at their heels and smothering them with jam.

But their was a special treat in store for Augustus Gloop and his mother, as they were both put into a glass booth, with some incredibly squishy difficulty. and were left there squealing for freedom as Freedom Feculence rained down upon them, chocolate slowly filled the booth, as snapping turtles swam round their shins, waiting to strike and eat them to death like the gooey marshmallows they had become.

In addition, there were pointy sticks being poked at them from the sides of the booth, with the oompa loompas of coourse doing them this honour. The snapping turtles began chewing the Gloop's chubby ankles.

"No! Please!" Shouted Augustus, pressing his desperate, chubby face up against the glass walls of the booth, his eyes were full of desperation and...fear.

_Wait a second! _signalled one oompa loompa to the others, the stream of Gloopy torture came to a halt, even the snapping turtles stopped snapping, even thopugh, of course, they had no idea what was going on, _This can go in the book! _He said excitedly.

_Well...He does look poor and defenseless!_ Said another oompa loompa. The others agreed. And the punishment resumed.

Augustus' chubby face was still pressed up against the glass, contorted into a shape by his curiosity about what they were saying. His nose was conveniently pressed up near a hole, this was too good an opportunity for Plop, one of the more vicious oompa loompas, as he shoved his pointy stick straight up Augustus' nostril.

"OW!!!" Yelped Augustus, holding his little piggy nose. But honestly, you should have seen the delighted expression on Plop's face, it was like cocoa bean season had come early. In fact he was so pleased with himself that he patted himself on the back. " OW!!! My wertvolle nase!!!" Augustus yelped.

_Hey! I haven't been anywhere near there mate! _Said the oompa loompa, giving Augustus a prod in the tush with his stick for good measure.

A/N: Guys please keep reviewing and help me find out where my story is going and send in any ideas or plot twists you think would be effective, and trust me, this story is going to get a whole lot more random.


	9. I'M NOT GAY!

A/N: Thankyou to all those people that have reviewed, and those that haven't...(sinister look) well, please do! Oh, and just so you know, wertvolle nase is german for precious nose...so, erm, if you didn't get it last chapter, that's what it meant.

"What in Lindts name are you guys doing?!" The chocolatier himself shouted, Mr Wonka stared on at the mass chaos in the chocolate room. "I thought we were doing so well, with these chunky chocolate chaps!" He said, pointing at the fatties that were dangling by their wrists into the chocolate river.

The oompa loompas stopped their proceedings, for if there was one thing they feared it was losing their jobs, the steady income of cocoa beans and their wives would go mad, I mean how could an oompa loompa get benefits, they weren't even legal immigrants! They'd been smuggled into the country on the back of a van. They stood very still and pretended they were lawn gnomes as customs searched the van. They recalled the situation well, the customs officer searched the van and asked why Willy Wonka, the famous chocolatier, would want such ugly lawn gnomes.

_On second thought, he doesn't even have a lawn!_ thought the customs officer.

"Well, you know those chocolate guys, personally, I think he's a bit you know...wierd, not all right in the head, a little bit kooky, caraaaaaaaaaazy! Strange, creepy, intense, bizarre, not all there-" Said the van driver.

"Alright, mate, I get the picture!" The customs officer said closing the van doors. "I've got to ask, you ever met him?"

"Nah, not me, but I know some people that know some people that stalk some people, and apparently, he's...well, gay, a poof, a maryqueen, a bit "oh, hello, boys!", a bit queer, a queeroid, total girl and you know, overall, a bit--" Letting wrist go, "Let's just say, he's more into lads than chocolate." He finished.

"Oh, well...that's a bit...that is to say-I mean I'm not prejudiced against that kind of thing, I just- I'M NOT or anything, I mean, I do know some guys that like that sort of thing, well obviously, I don't know them that way, I mean, I'M MARRIED! I-"

"Well, then, let's have no more said about it, eh lad?" Said the van driver, reaching inside his van, grabbing his hat and placing it on his head, giving a nod to the customs officer and climbing into the inside of his dingy van. Driving away, leaving the poor customs officer in a bit of a daze as the next truck pulled up.

"I'M NOT GAY!!!" He screamed at the courier inside the truck, running away into the distance as all onlookers, well...onlooked. About 500 metres away the van driver smuggling oompa loompas said to himself, "You know, I think he really is gay."

Anyways, back to the chocolate factory in the present!

"Let them go! They're infecting my chocolate with thyroid and heart-disease and stuff!"

The oompa loompas groaned, this was the most fun they'd had since they got here, but nevertheless they eventually got all the chubsters out of the chocolate lake, ca-raaaaaaaaazy room and glass booth. Giving them chocolate boxes to cover their modesties and giving them coupons for chocolate as compensation as they were escorted out.

As the oompa loompa's opened the door, there were thousands more protestors waiting outside, the first shipment of fat-free Wonka bars had been stocked in all of their vendors with a new notice on the bar that said: "Same taste, no fat or sugar! For all you fatties who try to go on a diet but fail miserably because this chocolate is just too delicious to eschew completely!"

But apparently his "Board" who thought this would be a total winner.

"Doris!" Willy called, "Get me my merchandise board, lets see what they think of all this!"

A/N: I bet you're a tad confused about the merchandise board, but this is going to be the really random bit, just an idea I came up with when watching "You are what you eat!" Hehe, RnR!!!! ...or else...no I won't do anything, but please review!


	10. Merchandise Board

**A/N: I own absolutely none of the characters used in this chapter**

**WW10**

Willy sat in the big leather chair, he looked all the way down the long table. He cleared his throat and giggled nervously. Doris was standing in the corner and raised her eyebrows, he cleared his throat roughly and furrowed his brow, trying his best to look serious.

"Send them in, Doris." He said in a gruff voice.

Gillian Mc Keith filed in, closely followed by Jamie Oliver and Tony Blair.

"Good afternoon, my associates." Said Willy in a much more confident voice than he felt. "I think you know why I called you here." His three associates adjusted their positions and shuffled their feet.

"Sit down."

They all sat themselves into some egg chairs along the other end of the unbelievably long table.

"Doris?" Doris entered the room, she had with her a small mahogany box, (of course it wasn't small to her, because, you know, she's a midget) She plonked it onto the table in front of Willy and resumed her position back in the corner, in Willy's line of sight.

"Cigar?" Willy offered, opening the box to reveal around fifty big coloured cigars, "I modified them 'specially so that the pink ones taste like snozzberries, the green ones are mint, blue are blueberry and the brown ones are-"

"Chocolate?" Tony Blair offered.

"Hey that's a good idea, Doris, make a note of that one!"

The three associates grimaced. Tony took a blue one.

"Don't you know what you're doing to your body?!" Gillian Mc Keith shouted, pulling a disgusting diagram out of her pocket,"This is what your arteries will look like, and you know they severely decrease the size of you-"

Willy made a slash motion with his hand which quickly shut her up, he giggled, partly because it worked but mostly because Gillian McKeith was about to mention Tony's manliness, genitalia was always a funny subject to Willy and it made him giggle.

"Sorry," Gillian said, "It's a mild form of tourettes, my GP is looking into it."

Willy was still giggling, he looked in Doris' direction, the eyebrows were raised, he reached for the water in front of him he took a deep breath and took a deep glug from the glass. Tony took a lighter out of his jacket.

"They could though!" Muttered Gillian, Willy snorted and sent back- wash every where with water streaming out of his nose. A drenched Tony held up a soggy, floppy cigar and looked at it for a moment.

"It's just not worth it any more." Tony said putting it down on the table and flicking it at Gillian, Tony stuck his tongue out at her.

"Politicians." Said Jamie and tutted under his breath.

Willy hiccupped. But chose to ignore it, "You guys (_hiccup_)..told me that this was a (_Hiccup_) good idea, but no(_hiccup_)body likes it!..._Hiccup _

"Take a deep breath!" Gillian said, the whole group inhaled with Willy, held it then released. Willy sighed.

_...Hiccup!_

The group groaned.

"Oh my god!" Jamie shouted, "shut up!"

"I can't help it!" Willy said. "_Hiccup!" _

Jamie jumped onto his stomach on the table, sliding along until he reached Willy's end of the table, knocking over the chair and rugby tackling Willy whilst papers flew everywhere.

"Ow!" Willy said. "_Hiccup_!"

A/N: Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaasssssse review!


	11. I am not drunk, I am eccentric!

**A/N: Cameo's last chapter were slightly random, but I'm happy because it's an idea I can build on for the remainder of this fanfiction, please bear with me! **

**WW11 **

"Why did you do that?!" Willy squealed, looking at Jamie giving him the puppy-dogs. Placing his hat on the table.

"A fright is always a cure for hiccups, what? Have you not heard that one?" Willy gave him Doris-style unbelieving eyes and raised eyebrows. "And...also, you were annoying me." Jamie admitted.

Willy rubbed his tender hind quarters, the hiccups were gone, true, but unneccessary bruising had occurred and his left leg kept going into spasm.

"You know, since we've been here, you guys have dissed my flavoured cigars, broke my chair and sent my leg into spasm, but you haven't addressed the problem in hand!" Willy pouted.

"Why would you be making flavoured cigars anyway?" Gillian asked.

"Cigars taste icky, so now kids can get them in flavours they actually like!" Willy explained, to a dumbstruck audience, "Yeah!" He giggled.

"Children shouldn't be smoking, it's bad enough that adults do!" Gillian shouted.

Willy scowled, " You know what, Gillian? You're just like the health and safety board, blah, blah, blah, emphysema, heart disease, early death, blah, blah, blah."

Gillian looked at him in dis-belief.

"Anyway..." Tony said, "What is the problem in hand?"

"Man! Did I not even get that far?!"

The group shook their heads.

"I have got protestors outside because I took out the fat in the bars like you said!" He said jabbing a finger at them, he then looked at his finger, "Hiya Mr Bimble! Haven't seen you in a while, what do you think about all this?" He proceeded to adress the finger as if it was saying something, "Mm-hm, "He said, "Yeah, that's quite good actually."

Tony Blair caught Gillians eye, he made the "Drinkee- drinkee" Motion, pretending to hold a bottle and glug it, Willy was so far un-knowing of these events. He then slurred, "Did I tell you I love you?" To Gillian, Willy stopped talking to Mr Bimble and looked at Tony. Tony leant further to Gillian until he slumped his head in her lap. Presuming this was the end Willy began, "The-"

"I love you too mate!" Shouted Jamie Oliver.

Tony took his head out of Gillian's lap, much to Gillian's relief and Gillian, Tony and Jamie all got up out of their seats and linked arms, doing a fally-over tipsy version of the can-can, and to Willy's absolute horror, started drunkenly singing _"Come on England" _and proceeded to get "Lairy".

"Doris...?" Willy called to Doris, crouching behind his chair, "Guys, stop it!" He said, "Come on, you know drunk people scare me!" The three started heading towards him with hands outstretched until Doris had to take drastic action, she grabbed the fire exstinguisher from nearby and covered them all with foamy flame repellent.

This called them to their senses, and they all sat their foamy selves into their chairs.

"I am not drunk," Willy started, "I...am eccentric!" Willy stared at them madly as a lightning bolt flashed outside and the air conditioning system blew Willy's hair into a mad state of disarray and his mad eyes darted at them as yet another thunderbolt flashed outside.

**A/N: What on earth will Willy Wonka do next? We now know that he's mad, oh excuse me- eccentric, but the question is "how does and eccentric business man get rid of protestors?" No, that question does not have a punch- line.**


	12. Wet Lettuce Fight

**WW12 **

"We could kill them all." Said Jamie.

"Alright get out!" Willy shouted. "All of you out! You are of no use to me!"

"Wait!" Tony shouted. "We could put all the fat back in."

"That could work." Willy said nodding.

"NO!" Gillian screamed, "I've worked too hard for too long to let you do that!" Gillian said, pulling a knife out of her jeans, "You, wouldn't do a silly thing like that, would you Mr Wonka?" She twitched.

"Avocado!" She said, a nervous tick becoming obvious, "Avocado! You're killing yourself! This could be your arteries in two years! Shocking! Avocado!" She said, twitching, a small stream of smoke was coming out of her ear.

"What's going on?!" Tony shouted.

"Look!" Jamie said, walking up to the smoking Gillian and peeling off her face to reveal a load of sparking, metal, oh and an alien.

"I-" The alien began.

"Oh, sorry." Jamie said putting the face back on.

"So...we'll put all the fat back in." Tony concluded, "I mean look what happens to people when they're too healthy, Gillian for example."He gestured at her.

"Well, that's really not what I wanted to do with all this, but, I suppose if this is the only way to get those chappies off my property then that's just what I'll have to do."

He sighed.

-


End file.
